How to write condolences
Writing a letter of comfort to someone who has lost a loved one is one of the most difficult tasks we are called upon to do. Sentiments may be expressed in the form of a purchased sympathy card, a handwritten note, or even a phone call or email message. For close friends and business associates, a letter of condolence is a must. It will take a bit more time and effort, but the comfort sent to the grieving person is well worth it.
Many people put off this task because it is so difficult to know what to say and how to say it. Our worries about saying exactly the right thing are probably unfounded. For the recipient, any effort you make to express your support is appreciated.
Following a few simple pointers on how to write condolences can make the process go more smoothly. With the assurance that you’re on the right track, you can avoid putting off this important obligation.
Where do you begin?
A wide variety of circumstances may exist in the loss of a loved one. If you are well acquainted with the deceased and the family, your task will be simpler. If you knew the deceased, but not the family, you will need to learn the names of family members and other details pertinent to the death, funeral services, and memorial requests.
On the other hand, you may not be acquainted with a family member, but your relationship to the deceased dictates that you acknowledge the loss. If you find yourself lacking basic knowledge about the family, you may need to do some research. An obituary is a good source of information. From there you may be able to contact the funeral home in charge of arrangements. Many mortuaries have online sites with details about pending services.
Timing
Ideally, you should send your letter within two weeks after the loss. If you respond too quickly, the recipient may still be in shock and unable to focus on any sentiments of sympathy. The exception would be for a close friend or relative. In this case, you would undoubtedly call as soon as you receive the news. Your formal letter of condolence would come at a later date.
Don’t forget that a person may be in more need of comfort at a later date. After life has settled back to normal and the friends and relatives have left the grieving person alone. Your call and offer of help at this time can reinforce the sentiments you expressed in your letter.
Including certain items will help smooth the awkwardness of the moment.
- Mention some good quality of the deceased
- Share a memory you remember
- Remind the grieving person of his or her strengths
- Offer to help in some specific way
Make it personal
Writing a letter of condolence can be a very personal thing. Your relationship with the parties involved should shape your approach to the message. Following a strict set of rules may produce a very stiff sounding letter. Tapping into your creativity may allow you to send something that is especially meaningful. You may feel it would be appropriate to include a picture or some memento of the deceased. You may be able to compose your own poem. Following your instincts can create a very meaningful letter of comfort. The main thing is to keep it in good taste and in keeping with previous interactions of all parties involved.
Things to avoid
The natural thing to say is that you understand what the person is going through. However, this may not be the best tactic. Even though you have suffered a similar loss, no one’s experience is the same.
Clichés should be avoided. Avoid offering meaningless expressions of sentiment such as “Time heals all wounds.” These are not generally well received. Although the message may be true, the recipient is not in a frame of mind to receive such words of wisdom.
Avoid a general offer of help such as “let me know if there’s anything I can do.” A grieving person may be unable to delegate tasks or even to think of what needs to be done. An offer of some specific thing you can do, with the offer of a follow-up call, can be more effective.
How to close
Knowing how to close the letter may be as challenging as the rest. A comforting closing can be an effective way to end. “Yours truly” and “sincerely” lack meaning.
Try using some of the following phrases to sign off. Use the one that seems the most natural to you.
- Thinking of you
- With Deepest Sympathy
- My Sincerest Sympathies
- With Heartfelt Condolences
- You are in my thoughts/prayers
- I'm praying for you
Take a little time to learn how to write condolences. Your efforts will be greatly appreciated. You have the opportunity to offer comfort in a time of need. Your support may be just what is needed to help a grieving person move on to the next phase of his or her life.
